“No Longer Two But One”
(Matthew ch.19 v.6)
At Christmas time we receive cards depicting Joseph and Mary standing near the crib of Jesus staring intently at the tiny form in swaddling clothes. Look at a young couple today with their first child and see the awe in their eyes at the beauty of such tiny newborn person.
I well remember the excitement I felt at the first sight of each of our five children. You wonder what will become of them in the future and how they will grow up. It was no use worrying about it but I did wonder how we would give them the best of life and education.
Mary and Joseph, we are told, became refugees from a tyrant. We have pretty cards depicting their journey on a donkey from Egypt. My understanding of that journey was changed one day when, in the mountains of Ceylon, we were being driven up country by a missionary Sister that we were visiting. As we climbed the winding mountain roads in a Land Rover, we chanced upon a very young Tamil couple, who had been walking since first light carrying their baby to the nearest hospital, which was still half a day’s walk. They were very tired, hot, thirsty and had not eaten since the previous day. Sister was deeply moved by their plight and promptly turned us all around and drove them to the hospital. (An image of the caring Church.)
I have never had to make a long journey on foot to save my own life, let alone anyone else’s, so this episode made me realize just what in the early days of marriage Joseph and Mary had to set off and do. The Christmas card couple had to take their child to another country to save its life. Then some time later they had to return home and re-establish themselves in Nazareth. No mean feat in those days!
The problems of life rapidly search out your love and care for each other. These problems provide the impetus for a couple to work together for the good of their children and that working together is a means of their becoming not two but one. The ‘love’ of the novelette can often be a true love but not necessarily due to everything working out right.
Friends of ours in India had their marriage arranged for them, even though they were Catholics. They had precisely thirty days to get to know each other before the wedding, after which they would take up residence in a foreign country, where the husband was working.
The photographs of the wedding revealed a very unhappy bride, who was obviously honouring her parent’s wishes. Later, many years later, she told me that her husband had to be flown to hospital in Britain for a serious operation and it was at that point that she realized how much she had GROWN to love him.
Marriage existed long before the Christian Church began but, in the same way that mankind has advanced in technology, so also has the concept of marriage. Mankind has developed it from a parental right to give a daughter in marriage for the unification of a clan or family to one where, certainly in the west, love and happiness are the primary factors to be considered. According to one anthropologist this is, “one of the most difficult marriage forms the human race has ever attempted”. (Margaret Mead — Circle of Life)
Vatican II said that, “The Christian family springs from Marriage which is an image and a sharing in the partnership of love between Christ and The Church”. (“Church in the Modern World” sect. 48) This sharing and partnership gave me personally a very special surprise. Unless you’ve had a loving father, who is very loving, the image of God as a loving father is difficult to picture. If your father was a stern disciplinarian, the odds are that you’ll think of God in that way. So it was for me an astounding realization of God’s lovingness, when I experienced the unconditional love of my wife.
We get bludgeoned constantly these days with the idea that ‘sex’ is what relationships are all about. But this is like buying an oyster only for the food value and forgetting that there is a pearl inside. The ‘pearl’ in marriage is the becoming of two as one in the spirit as well as the body; something that The Church has sought to promote constantly.
We are also given the impression these days that children can be brought up quite normally in single-parent families. Due to the ravages of war, my mother was brought up by my grandmother in great hardship and stress without the ministry of a father. Whilst there may well be wonderful single parents around, the damage done to the children is incalculable and single parenting from choice ought to be discouraged.
In fact The Church ought to be considering in this day and age, training husbands-to-be to recognize their responsibilities as patriarchal fathers. We hum! and ha! about the breakdown of marriages but are we educating our future Christian men to take up the mantle of Joseph? Do many understand that they have a role of leadership, not in any overbearing sense, but as a leader in the care and spiritual formation of their families? Are they encouraged to Bless their children in a patriarchal sense? Do they understand the importance of praying with their family?
It is because of this loss of understanding that many men today only seem to see their role in sexual and bread-winning terms. There is so much more to being a husband and father, which can enrich the lives of not only the immediate family but also the society in which that family resides.
We hear of men fathering children and leaving them to fend for themselves not only economically but also without the great wealth of love that a father can give. Yes! It is true that some of us are not up to it, due to the poverty of our own lives, but an organization, with the resources that the Catholic Church possesses, is quite capable of offering training and back-up to those who need it.
Pope John Paul II himself said during his visit to York in May ‘82: “To be capable of such love calls for careful preparation from early childhood to wedding day. It requires the constant support of Church and society throughout its development”. That, to me, is something more than a series of talks before marriage, excellent though they are. It calls for a constant teaching from The Church on the concept of the Christian family. In a sense, in the same way the media plug the free love concept — ‘till a lie becomes what we believe to be true, The Church needs to be constantly fostering a more responsible and caring picture of the husband’s role today.
Ultimately we have to see, as Pope John Paul also said at York: “Marriage is a holy sacrament. Those baptized in the name of the Lord Jesus are married in his name also. Their love is a sharing in the love of God. He is its source.” A marriage founded in the faith of both partners and, with God as its loving spirit, is almost an image of the Holy Trinity.
As a young man I was under the impression that only the professed Religious became Saints. Only later did I discover the rich heritage in teaching that The Church possesses on marriage and its sanctity. Again at York Pope John Paul said: “It is the pathway to holiness for all members of a family”. So the leadership of The Church is once more emphasizing the importance of the Christian marriage in our sanctification.
Once a marriage has embarked on the formation of a home and family, the concept of two becoming one becomes ever more evident. The problems of life can drive a couple apart but, with the right attitude, they can also unify them. It is at this stage that the husband’s role as spiritual leader and protector of the family comes to the fore. It is also the point at which the home can become a temple of prayer.
Pope John Paul’s prayer at York was one that all of us could join with, “With all my heart, therefore, I urge that your homes be centres of prayer; homes where families are at ease in the presence of God; homes to which others are invited to share hospitality, prayer and praise of God”.
That’s a lovely phrase, “where families are at ease in the presence of God”. Perhaps, in this Decade of Evangelization, we need families, who are at ease in the presence of God to be the foremost evangelizers of our pagan society. I feel it is time that Christian men re-assert themselves as patriarchal leaders of the family. It is my experience that, when they do, the home becomes a place to: “share hospitality, prayer and praise of God.”
When two become one as pro-creators with God, they find a Pearl of great price and society benefits as a whole. My prayer is that your families “are at ease in the presence of God”.
(William L. Taylor is training to be a deacon in The Catholic Church. This article was inspired by thoughts on The Feast of The Holy Family, 29th December.)