The Last Frontier
Men take their masculinity for granted. So much the worse for them, says Roy McCloughry
Men and masculinity are very much in vogue at the moment. There have been a glut of books published on this subject in the States and even in this country books are beginning to appear. Why this sudden interest? Primarily it is because the women’s movement has been making statements about men for the last 25 years which have been met by silence. It is remarkable that men can find so much to say about themselves, for until recently masculinity has not been seen as a world-view to be mapped out and explained or challenged, but as something which is natural, neutral and normal.
Masculinity is a world-view which has both personal and social components. It is not the same as maleness, which is about the givens of our biology and genetics. Masculinity is composed of the values, beliefs, myths and expectations that constitute what it means to be a man. It is not mono-cultural, even within our own society, since there are several different sub-cultures even within the world of men. Nevertheless I have found there is a core of beliefs and interpretations which men recognize as belonging to a version of what it means to be ‘a real man’. Such ‘virtues’ as being in control, becoming a success, autonomy and competitiveness have been at the heart of the education of many men in this country. Some men have rejected such concepts of masculinity, others have grappled with them through their spiritual struggle but have not named them.
Masculinity is in a state of transition. The rise of modern patterns of work has caused a shift in the validation of masculinity from the world of work to the world of relationships but the concepts of extreme rationality, problem-solving and ‘report talk’ which have served men well in public life do not work well in personal relationships. Not showing weakness, regarding others as competitors and being ambitious are not helpful in a relationship where intimacy and disclosure are expected.
The fact is that many men are inarticulate emotionally. Many men fear intimacy but one of the reasons why they frequently have nothing intimate to say about themselves is that they do not admit such things to themselves. Men are not known for the ‘small talk’ which creates intimacy by being inclusive and non-threatening. Many men are completely lost in the world of those relationships at a time when the quality of those relationships is under the spotlight and the old masculine stereotypes are under fire.
When it comes to friendship with other men there is a great deal of isolation and loneliness around. Men have colleagues and acquaintances, they may even have somebody with whom they have played squash every Friday night for the last 25 years but they rarely have close and intimate friendships with other men. One of the things that has changed in recent years has been that when challenged men have begun to admit this lack. The problem is that they do not know what to do about it. When crisis comes some men find that their friends fade away and don’t want to know. Men can ‘bottle it all up’ and then have a personal crisis or breakdown. But men who are prepared to take risks can find that appropriate self-disclosure deepens friendship with other men. Christian men have both a lot to learn and a lot to offer in this area. I am not suggesting that in one move men should move from the fear of intimacy with others to tyrannizing them with their intimacies. Not all relationships are intimate relationships but the man who lets no one know who he really is will remain spiritually immature as well as isolated.
Throughout history however masculine identity has been based not only on the differences between men and women but also on the superiority of men to women. In the modern world at least this belief is no longer necessary or acceptable. We do not need, as some suggest, to impose a modern egalitarian ideology on life to believe in the equality of men and women. But neither can we remain satisfied with the conclusion that men and women are ‘equal but different’ when the difference continues to underwrite the dominance of men in our society. Men know that their hearts are as deceitfully wicked as those of women. They know that they can make just as bad decisions as women and be prey to as many weaknesses and temptations as women. This inner knowledge provokes in men a need for repentance, confession, forgiveness and humility which the masculinity world-view prevents.
What is needed in this debate about masculinity is not some new fashion or fad to replace the new man or the wild man of recent weeks. It is the courageous application of the way of the cross to the lives of men that is needed. Men wish to retain something which protects their masculinity but the good news of the gospel is that Christ gave up power to become our saviour and asks us to do the same. One of the reasons why the servanthood of Christ is so remarkable is that the Christ who washed the dirty feet of the disciples was a man. If a woman had washed the disciples’ feet they would have carried on talking while she did it. Only men had power and Jesus laid down that power in order to be the servant of all. The problem is that when men are asked to give up power to serve others their masculinity tells them that they will become weak and weakness is the antithesis of all that men are meant to be. A person living in the power of the Holy Spirit who is godly and humble is not a weak person but the cost of discipleship for men in the modern world is that others who keep their masculine identities intact may think them so. One of the reasons why many men will not turn to the church is that the pride of the masculine world-view will not allow them to humble themselves. It also distorts their perspective of those men who are Christ-like so that they are perceived as emasculated as far as the world is concerned.
What then are the lessons for the church from all this? At the start of the debate there are still questions. Does Christian work among men perpetuate or challenge the myths of masculinity? Has the dominance of male leadership in our churches led to our becoming weak in some areas? Can Christians create intimate and long-lasting friendships with other men, including those who are not Christians? Are Christian men as overcommitted to the world of work as others? Are Christian men more open and articulate emotionally than those who are not Christians? Can we convince en who are not Christians that salvation comes through Christ? These are among the issues I have discussed in a recent book. We are only at the beginning of this debate in the church, let us hope and pray that the outcome may honour Christ and be the means of freeing many men by the gospel to live Christ-like lives and to work for a more just society.
Reproduced and abridged from Third Way by the kind permission of Mr Peter Cousins.
Roy McCloughry is a lecturer at St John’s College Nottingham and is supported by the Kingdom Trust in speaking, writing and research. His recently published book is entitled Men and Masculinity: From Power to love and is available from Hodder and Stoughton.